the words aren’t coming easily to my mind; my fingers aren’t flying over the keyboard allowing my thoughts to be formed into words I can see, feel, and ultimately, edit. one of the beauties of the written word is the control that the author has over them. an author has the ability to create and delete, transform a reader through the intensity and imagery of the words that seem to float off of a page. but even now, i don’t feel the control i want to have over the words i’m writing.
if we’re honest here, i love to be in control. i could chose to blame this on my oldest child tendencies and the maturity i had to quickly develop so i could adapt to the different seasons of life. but its so much more than that. its a distrust. my inability to release control to someone else is both an indirect and direct distrust in God. this strange part of my life, where i am both an adult and a child, has required me to give up control.
this is perhaps the most difficult thing i have ever had to do. everything in my life is out of my control. i’m currently waiting to hear from two schools (again) so i can decide whether or not to transfer from app state. the most precious of relationships have been taken out of my incapable hands. my daily schedule is a revolving routine of school, work, and finding time to eat and sleep and possibly socialize. God has pushed me to my emotional and physical limits during these past few months, forcing me to truly surrender control to him. it’s a painful and exhausting process. i feel like i’ve been pruned like a farmer would his crops so that they could grow fully into what they’re supposed to be. this is my pruning. things have been cut out of my life, taken out of my control, so that i may grow into the relationship i am meant to have with God.
there is one thing i do have control over though: my response. i want to respond to all of these difficulties with joy, contentment, and grace, knowing that God is working to make all of this together for the best. and even though there are days or weeks that this doesn’t seem to be the case, i know its true.
i write for two reasons. one, it clears my mind. i actually prefer texting at times so i can visibly see my crazy written into words. two, i write for myself. I write so i can process, articulate, and communicate. but now i want to write for myself and for others. so, to quote my dear ernest hemingway, “write drunk; edit sober” and dye your hair when you need to feel some type of control, like i always do.
gs 