my fear of motherhood

in nine months, i will be married. children, of course, are an inevitable topic of conversation. will we have kids sooner rather than later? how long do we wait, if at all? will i work when we have kids, will josh stay home? all of these are questions we have asked ourselves- and been asked- since our engagement.

i suppose its appropriate to talk about those things; we can plan as much as we are able to, but can we really control it? above all, there is a much bigger issue besides the “when” aspect of it all.

i am deeply afraid of motherhood. crippling, anxiety-inducing, fear. since i was a teen, i doubted whether i would have children. i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to medically and since then i’ve convinced myself it wasn’t in the picture. but now as people all around me are getting pregnant and having babies, i struggle to find excitement and joy for them. i don’t get it. honestly, i feel incapable of conjuring those bubbly-baby-inducing feelings that many people get when pregnancies are announced.  and these feelings, or lack there of, produces the worst shame. how could i, a woman, not want children or feel any sentiment toward someone else’s excitement. i feel as if its unspeakable most times, so i keep hidden deep down.

i fear everything about motherhood: the pain of pregnancy, of labor, the mental and physical toll it takes taking care of a newborn, raising a child, teaching them right from wrong, raising them to be everything that i am not- that i cannot be. i worry about the unknowns and how unpredictable it is. i am afraid that i will not be the mother i want to be: available, understanding, encouraging and their best friend all while balancing a career. i fear that all the work i’ve put forth the past years will be deemed useless by society if i chose to stay at home . maybe its pride, or selfishness, that i am not willing to give up my own comfort and human goals for a child. maybe it is the fear of repeating negative patterns that I’ve experienced in my life. whatever it is, i hate it, and yet, i cling onto it.

i know these fears are irrational, but aren’t most?  they are very present and overwhelming; fears that i think about daily as i see ultrasound pictures, newborns and precious children grow up. i want to desire kids, truly. i know women around me of all ages whose greatest joy is to be a mother. how do i experience that? how do i get to that level of womanhood? yet here i am, eager for a career. thats what i look forward to: to graduate school, to research, to changing policies and contributing something great to society. i don’t preface my career goals with “my ultimate job is being a wife and mother;” instead, i  struggle to see myself as a mother and add it in just to reassure myself.

i, a young woman with aspirations and goals, do not need to be thinking about a child. right? am i expected to have kids soon because i am getting married young? should i be ready to have kids because of my impending marriage? i don’t know the answer to these things. but honestly, i don’t believe its something i need to worry about. i am young. josh is young; we, are young. my parents had children (me) at a young age. it was unexpected for them, and never did i doubt their love for me, but i did experience first hand the folly of the combination of a young marriage of twenty-somethings.

one day, our children will come, just like my love for them. i am sure of it. but right now, i am not going to worry about motherhood. it is not my time yet. that phase of my life will come eventually, but not soon. so for now, I’m going to keep studying and preparing for the next season of my life. one that i am grateful and excited for: marriage.

and thank you, mom, for showing me that womanhood is much more than motherhood. i am forever grateful for you.

 

the intentional fallacy

since high school, i’ve attended four colleges. F O U R.

durham tech, nc state , app state, and currently, unc.

from the time i was a young girl, i knew i was destined to go to college. after all, my parents met in college, married in college, and had me, in college. i’m one of the few who say they have attended both of my parents’ graduation. college is in my blood.

my mother- and i am incredibly grateful for all of the work she did to get me where i am- started my journey to college when i was in tenth grade. that year we embarked on a massive road trip to tour at least six colleges across the south east with another family. since then, my entire high school career life revolved around getting into a highly ranked college.

i joined clubs, took two years worth of high school in a year, got at least a year of college credits out of the way, had numerous tutors to help me with SAT math (thank you, thank you so much for bearing with me), learned how to write a coherent, thoughtful essay in under twenty minutes, took too many standardized tests to prove my worth, and so much more. all so I could gain entrance into an educational institution.

as i was doing all of these extra things, i was constantly being fed two of the biggest lies of my life: college will be the best years of your life and somewhere out there is a the perfect college for you.

i’m a junior now and my years away at college have not been the best of my life. they have been full of stressful, anxiety-inducing, late night attempts to cram as much homework and studying into one night as possible. these years have been full of trying to apply for internships, jobs, and activities to build my resume. on top of that, there’s an expectation to have a social life and maintain a 4.0 gpa in order to secure a well paying job the second you walk off of that stage. to sum it up: the pressure of college is exhausting.

these years have not been the quintessential years of my life like i was told. i haven’t found my calling, or completely changed from who i was back in high school. i’m not dreading graduation in a year and a half because then i’ll have to face reality. actually, i cannot wait to be done with school. college has disappointed me.

universities were not designed to teach you how to rebel against your parents or realize who you were meant to be and follow your dreams. joining pointless clubs, signing protests on the way to class, planning events for your club, the list goes on and on. college has transitioned from a place where young adults can come to invest in a degree into a strange in-between of life stages. i don’t consider myself a fully-independent adult. i still call my mother to ask for money for textbooks, get rides from my parents to doctor appointments, live in a dorm, eat a steady diet of Chick-fil-A and carrots, and work part-time.

these institutions were created to expand your mind and teach you critical information for your field of study. that’s it. recent culture has made it more than that, and for a high school student that has invested the past four years of their life into entering this institution, it can be quite disappointing. you expect college to be a place where you are able to explore your independence and eat the junk food your mother never allowed. but college allows for more than this. you get to explore new philosophical ideologies and challenge them, dig deep into a novel and learn things you would never expect from a postwar writer, and learn how to truly despise all forms of math. this is why college is wonderful. it offers you an incredible opportunity to explore the depths of a subject and learn ideas you couldn’t imagine.

i could write about the many benefits of college, but i cannot agree that it is worth the amount of time and dedication that i have put into it. despite the countless tours and hours of research i’ve done, i didn’t find my dream school.

i could give you a laundry list of reasons why i left app state, many of them legitimate. it was not challenging enough, i don’t like the cold and snow, or three hours is too far away from my family. unc has certainly solved those problems but it has given me a whole new list of problems. when i went on those college tours, each one pitched me the same lines: “we have the best professors, high academic standing, amazing cafeteria food, and the strongest community around.” essentially, we are a dream come true for you. here, you will be stronger, smarter, accepted, allowed to find your passions without the constraints of society and pressure from your family and the money you will invest is worth every penny.

this could not be more wrong. every class will push you beyond your limits, you will feel incredibly dumb at some point and wonder how you ever got into college. people will ostracize you, society continues to influence you, and your family does not evaporate the second you unpack your boxes freshman year. i’m not any happier at unc than i was at app state now that i’m at my “dream school.” actually, i’ve started to have panic attacks and have a constant fear of never meeting anyone’s expectations of me. my life is busier than ever trying to balance work, five classes, and relationships.

don’t be consumed by the fallacy of college. it will drain you and make you feel worthless if you believe that college is the best season of your life. and honestly, isn’t that a bit sad? that the zenith of your life is the short period of being 18-22, when you’ve hardly even started to be an adult?

go to college. learn incredible things and tell your family and friends about what you learned in that history or science class. but don’t believe those lies; there are many, many amazing years ahead.

a spoonful of [pudding] will make the medicine go down

sometimes, i love being sick. the kind of sick where a day in bed eating soups and drinking milkshakes and water will make you feel better. whenever i’m sick, i am reminded of how caring the people around me are. they always show up ready to keep me company, knowing that i get lonely easily and often bringing gifts of food. but its more than that- its loving on the people you call your family, the people that have seen you at your weakest physically and emotionally and help strengthen you so that you can do the same for them.

one of the books i’m reading this summer is What is a Family? by Edith Schaeffer; its an incredible book by a wise woman who has deep insight into the depths of what a family is and the relationships that are formed within the dynamics of a family. my grandmother gave me this book to read so that I may be prepared for my own family one day, but even though thats years away, I am already able to incorporate some of the lessons into my life now. i recently finished the chapter “A Shelter in the Time of Storm,” which focuses on sickness, death, and caring for others in their struggles. last week i saw this chapter lived out through one of my grandmothers and a friend. 

both of my grandmothers have taken such excellent care of me when i am ill. ive grown up with two very dear and loving sets of grandparents in my life and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i had a rough start to the day; i woke up dizzy and in pain, but i had to be somewhere early in the morning and it was too late to cancel. after i came back home i quickly went upstairs unable to articulate how i felt. my grandmother immediately came to my room and asked me what i needed, however she ended up knowing what i needed better than i did. five minutes later i had a bowl of soft pudding. within the hour, she brought up a small vase of flowers from her garden to “brighten up my room.” it was lovely and heartfelt and did exactly what she intended it to do. throughout the day she checked up on me, made sure i had food to eat, water, ice chips, and whatever else i might need to feel better.

later that afternoon, molly came with hot tea and made my sick day more enjoyable. she made me laugh until it hurt and her joy filled up my room and day. we talked for hours, discussed wedding plans and watched friends. she wasn’t afraid to get sick- she stuck by my side, ate part of my chocolate milkshake, and let me put an english bulldog cookie jar on her wedding registry. it’s easy to get lonely and discouraged when you’re sick; but today that wasn’t possible. a friend who will come to you, sit beside your bed and stroke your head while you fall asleep is a friend that is family.

i have a big family- from the family that i was born into and the friends that have become family. my family is now scattered along the southern east coast, making that time we spend together more precious. this summer i’ve learned how important it is to take care of each other. family challenges one another, pulls us up when we’ve fallen, loves when we are unlovable, and grants us more patience and kindness than we deserve.

thanks family, for taking care of me when i’m sick

blessings upon blessings.

how blessed and rich this life of mine is.

it took a long time to get here; months of pain and sorrow, days of constant tears, and more emotions than i knew existed. little did i know how grateful i would be for that time. i needed to experience all of it before i could really appreciate what i have now. i didn’t know i had anything to write about until a dear friend of mind pointed out that many seasons of life seem to have come to end since returning home from boone and how content i am. i haven’t really considered what i feel to be contentment. i thought that i was happy, joyful, ecstatic for everything that was going on in my life. it turns out that it was a much deeper and better than what i thought, as it often is. i’m content with all the things that have come my way, including the difficult conflict and trials that i face.

this is something i’ve been asking for for a long time. “lord, help me be content” is a phrase often cried out from my heart. it stems from the struggle i have with control and trust. there are few people i trust more than myself with my own life. i have this idea that only i could possibly know what is the best course of action for my life and that it should be done how and when i want. but as that idea began to be challenged, i knew i had to shift my thinking. i took the control i valued and turned it into an intense fear that every decision i made would be essentially wrong. i constantly questioned myself and my motives for wanting to change my circumstances, knowing that i did not need to remain in boone. was i simply discontent or unsatisfied with where the lord has placed me? the answer i often told myself was to try harder to love where i’m at or wait. thankfully, i didn’t listen to my conflicted heart and followed the advice of my parents. 

but surprisingly, it was a struggle to let myself move on from this fear. i had built it up in my head that i was failing at trusting in the lord. i let anxiety take over my desire to trust god and be content to actively let him take control of my life. forcing yourself to be content does not lead to contentment; it only leads to more stress, worry, and distrust. once i stopped pressuring myself to lean on god, it came naturally. and all of a sudden, i realized how good it is to be content in the lord and my circumstances.

now my days are full of going to and fro spending many hours with friends and family, going everywhere possible with josh (!!!! see ya, long distance), working at a coffee shop, and loving every second of it. there is still a daily struggle with this, but the majority of the fight is over. knowing that God uses the change of situations to bring peace is a realization i won’t forget.

there will always be seasons when it is difficult to trust in the lord, and there will be seasons when it is easy. i am in the midst of one of the easier times and i hope it doesn’t go away soon. but whether or not i am content, i have comfort knowing that God is still using that to bring about the amazing peace he offers.

truly god has blessed this rich life of mine.

pride comes before the fall.

oh, what a week it has been.

as i sit here waiting for slumber to come upon me i can only think about all that has happened in the past few days. there has been some mighty highs, and some devastating lows; but when its all combined, it really has been a wonderful revelation of how i am never able to predict what is going to happen in my life.

for the past couple of months i’ve expected to attend ncsu next fall. i was ecstatic; it seemed perfect and nothing could change my mind. until i got into unc, and everything i thought that i wanted changed. but the biggest change? my heart; once i got over the initial shock of what occurred, i began to care and to think about what this could possibly mean. unc means more opportunities and the ability to study something that will challenge me and force me to push myself harder than i ever imagined. it means that no matter how beautifully i envision my life, it will never be as grand or surprising as god will make it. it also means that i’ll live so close to durham, which is easily my favorite city and the home to some of my favorite people. i’m beyond excited to start this new chapter in my life and see where it takes me and enjoy the ability to explore many new things. most of all though, i’m excited to find out the many unexpected changes that will happen. but through it all i will gladly welcome them as they come.

my devastating low? the crash and burn of my pride. it was necessary and incredibly painful. there were many tears as the bitterness in my heart welled up and overflowed into the words i spoke and used against others that i cared for. there were tears when i felt that i was being wronged. simply put: i was a crying disaster of a nineteen year old. its an understatement to say that i’ve never been a fan of being humbled, and thats exactly what happened. and honestly? i hated every second of it. i had to learn how to stop my prideful heart from clouding the situation and convincing myself that i was the victim. it took a long time, days, in fact, before i was able to see what i had done clearly and apologize. the apology wasn’t easy, especially since i knew it could be the end of something that i once held so precious to me. the process of being humbled is never without pain. it required so much more evaluation of my prideful heart and a willingness to admit that i was wrong. frankly,  i’m still not sure what the end product of all of this is. my heart is still struggling with bitterness as i grapple with the reality of my pride. i needed this though. i needed a reminder that i am not always right in my ways and that i do not hold the answers to life in my small hands.

perhaps thats what all this is for. i’m not supposed to have all the answers to the many questions i face. it has been difficult trying to find the balance between holding plans loosely while also making them. i’m nowhere near perfecting this concept, but i’m a step closer than i was a few days ago and thats all the encouragement i need. because after all, i am still a little girl, trying (and failing) to be an adult. but thankfully, there is time for that.

and hopefully, ill be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour instead of this miserable two thirty am nonsense. deal?

p.s. go heels!

exhaustion.

four months in, and i can already tell that this year is going to be particularly tiring.

my days are framed by how quickly i can get back into bed. i sleep as long as i can in the morning, i often nap in the afternoons, and i go to bed as early as possible. my ability to sustain long days has been decreasing weekly; the energy that i used to have has been long absent from my life. no amount of coffee, tea, or zzzquil that i use seems to be of any assistance. but then i realized, this isn’t a problem drugs can fix, because it doesn’t originate in my body.

my soul is weary.

it aches with a pain much stronger than any physical one i have felt before. my soul is going through this intense season of questions, answers, and changes; all that came unexpectedly and overwhelmed my life. honestly, its been brutal. raw. real. incredibly real. my tired soul affects every aspect of my life, my body included. march was an unwelcome reminder of this as i laid in a hospital bed twice in one week fearful and unaware of what made my body ache the way it did.

but through the midst of all this weariness and pain, there have been some incredible moments. friendships and relationships have been strengthened, i have relearned more about myself than i knew i had forgotten, i’ve learned how to rest, i’ve learned how to cry, and i’ve been taught how to rejoice for the beautiful moments of life.

like all seasons, this too will past. as i sit here in bed i can only hope that this season has only a short time left in it. this exhaustion of mine permeates into the smallest cracks of my weak heart and pushes itself until i finally acknowledge it. and when i do, i break so quickly and harder than the time before.

so right now, i fight this parasite of exhaustion and force myself to stay up later, eat more ben & jerry’s, and not sleep my days away.

a full grown tree.

“What I do expect and hope for you is that you will become even more of what you are already: steady, funny, and not one to suffer fools. I can’t wait to see what you do. You are, no longer, a seed, or even a sapling. You are a full grown tree. We’re all eager to see what the fruit will be.”

these words were written to me on the day of my high school graduation by one of my family members. i’ve been rereading them recently, thinking of who i am and what i expect out of these college years. for too long i’ve been told that college will be the best years of my life, where i will find out who i am. it’s true that i’ve learned much about myself, but not in the way i expected. instead, i’ve only learned what i’m not. i’m not a photographer

     an artist

     a scientist

im not adventurous or brave

     crafty, athletic, super outgoing, an excellent cook, musical

     the list goes on and on.

but none of this matters.

i’ve realized that college is not meant to teach me how to define myself. 

as a child of christ, the only thing that is supposed to define me is redemption. i’ve struggled with this concept of identity because i refuse to put my identity in christ. i eagerly look for something that i can put all my focus in, whether that be my academics, a person, or a job. however, every single time i look for an answer or reassurance from the things of this world, i am failed. the result of this misguided faith is a pain and brokenness all too real that leads me back to christ begging for help.

the wonder of christ is that he will never fail us, despite how many times we fail him. he is who i am; he is my identity; he is the fruit of this full grown tree. i dont need a list of adjectives, a personality test (ENTJ, for those who are curious), a major, or anything else to tell me what kind of person i am. all i need is christ.

and that’s enough.

“write [sober]”

the words aren’t coming easily to my mind; my fingers aren’t flying over the keyboard allowing my thoughts to be formed into words I can see, feel, and ultimately, edit. one of the beauties of the written word is the control that the author has over them. an author has the ability to create and delete, transform a reader through the intensity and imagery of the words that seem to float off of a page. but even now, i don’t feel the control i want to have over the words i’m writing.

if we’re honest here, i love to be in control. i could chose to blame this on my oldest child tendencies and the maturity i had to quickly develop so i could adapt to the different seasons of life. but its so much more than that. its a distrust. my inability to release control to someone else is both an indirect and direct distrust in God. this strange part of my life, where i am both an adult and a child, has required me to give up control.

this is perhaps the most difficult thing i have ever had to do. everything in my life is out of my control. i’m currently waiting to hear from two schools (again) so i can decide whether or not to transfer from app state. the most precious of relationships have been taken out of my incapable hands. my daily schedule is a revolving routine of school, work, and finding time to eat and sleep and possibly socialize. God has pushed me to my emotional and physical limits during these past few months, forcing me to truly surrender control to him. it’s a painful and exhausting process. i feel like i’ve been pruned like a farmer would his crops so that they could grow fully into what they’re supposed to be. this is my pruning. things have been cut out of my life, taken out of my control, so that i may grow into the relationship i am meant to have with God.

there is one thing i do have control over though: my response. i want to respond to all of these difficulties with joy, contentment, and grace, knowing that God is working to make all of this together for the best. and even though there are days or weeks that this doesn’t seem to be the case, i know its true.

i write for two reasons. one, it clears my mind. i actually prefer texting at times so i can visibly see my crazy written into words. two, i write for myself. I write so i can process, articulate, and communicate. but now i want to write for myself and for others. so, to quote my dear ernest hemingway, “write drunk; edit sober” and dye your hair when you need to feel some type of control, like i always do.