how blessed and rich this life of mine is.
it took a long time to get here; months of pain and sorrow, days of constant tears, and more emotions than i knew existed. little did i know how grateful i would be for that time. i needed to experience all of it before i could really appreciate what i have now. i didn’t know i had anything to write about until a dear friend of mind pointed out that many seasons of life seem to have come to end since returning home from boone and how content i am. i haven’t really considered what i feel to be contentment. i thought that i was happy, joyful, ecstatic for everything that was going on in my life. it turns out that it was a much deeper and better than what i thought, as it often is. i’m content with all the things that have come my way, including the difficult conflict and trials that i face.
this is something i’ve been asking for for a long time. “lord, help me be content” is a phrase often cried out from my heart. it stems from the struggle i have with control and trust. there are few people i trust more than myself with my own life. i have this idea that only i could possibly know what is the best course of action for my life and that it should be done how and when i want. but as that idea began to be challenged, i knew i had to shift my thinking. i took the control i valued and turned it into an intense fear that every decision i made would be essentially wrong. i constantly questioned myself and my motives for wanting to change my circumstances, knowing that i did not need to remain in boone. was i simply discontent or unsatisfied with where the lord has placed me? the answer i often told myself was to try harder to love where i’m at or wait. thankfully, i didn’t listen to my conflicted heart and followed the advice of my parents.
but surprisingly, it was a struggle to let myself move on from this fear. i had built it up in my head that i was failing at trusting in the lord. i let anxiety take over my desire to trust god and be content to actively let him take control of my life. forcing yourself to be content does not lead to contentment; it only leads to more stress, worry, and distrust. once i stopped pressuring myself to lean on god, it came naturally. and all of a sudden, i realized how good it is to be content in the lord and my circumstances.
now my days are full of going to and fro spending many hours with friends and family, going everywhere possible with josh (!!!! see ya, long distance), working at a coffee shop, and loving every second of it. there is still a daily struggle with this, but the majority of the fight is over. knowing that God uses the change of situations to bring peace is a realization i won’t forget.
there will always be seasons when it is difficult to trust in the lord, and there will be seasons when it is easy. i am in the midst of one of the easier times and i hope it doesn’t go away soon. but whether or not i am content, i have comfort knowing that God is still using that to bring about the amazing peace he offers.
truly god has blessed this rich life of mine.
gs 