oh, what a week it has been.
as i sit here waiting for slumber to come upon me i can only think about all that has happened in the past few days. there has been some mighty highs, and some devastating lows; but when its all combined, it really has been a wonderful revelation of how i am never able to predict what is going to happen in my life.
for the past couple of months i’ve expected to attend ncsu next fall. i was ecstatic; it seemed perfect and nothing could change my mind. until i got into unc, and everything i thought that i wanted changed. but the biggest change? my heart; once i got over the initial shock of what occurred, i began to care and to think about what this could possibly mean. unc means more opportunities and the ability to study something that will challenge me and force me to push myself harder than i ever imagined. it means that no matter how beautifully i envision my life, it will never be as grand or surprising as god will make it. it also means that i’ll live so close to durham, which is easily my favorite city and the home to some of my favorite people. i’m beyond excited to start this new chapter in my life and see where it takes me and enjoy the ability to explore many new things. most of all though, i’m excited to find out the many unexpected changes that will happen. but through it all i will gladly welcome them as they come.
my devastating low? the crash and burn of my pride. it was necessary and incredibly painful. there were many tears as the bitterness in my heart welled up and overflowed into the words i spoke and used against others that i cared for. there were tears when i felt that i was being wronged. simply put: i was a crying disaster of a nineteen year old. its an understatement to say that i’ve never been a fan of being humbled, and thats exactly what happened. and honestly? i hated every second of it. i had to learn how to stop my prideful heart from clouding the situation and convincing myself that i was the victim. it took a long time, days, in fact, before i was able to see what i had done clearly and apologize. the apology wasn’t easy, especially since i knew it could be the end of something that i once held so precious to me. the process of being humbled is never without pain. it required so much more evaluation of my prideful heart and a willingness to admit that i was wrong. frankly, i’m still not sure what the end product of all of this is. my heart is still struggling with bitterness as i grapple with the reality of my pride. i needed this though. i needed a reminder that i am not always right in my ways and that i do not hold the answers to life in my small hands.
perhaps thats what all this is for. i’m not supposed to have all the answers to the many questions i face. it has been difficult trying to find the balance between holding plans loosely while also making them. i’m nowhere near perfecting this concept, but i’m a step closer than i was a few days ago and thats all the encouragement i need. because after all, i am still a little girl, trying (and failing) to be an adult. but thankfully, there is time for that.
and hopefully, ill be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour instead of this miserable two thirty am nonsense. deal?
p.s. go heels!
gs 