my fear of motherhood

in nine months, i will be married. children, of course, are an inevitable topic of conversation. will we have kids sooner rather than later? how long do we wait, if at all? will i work when we have kids, will josh stay home? all of these are questions we have asked ourselves- and been asked- since our engagement.

i suppose its appropriate to talk about those things; we can plan as much as we are able to, but can we really control it? above all, there is a much bigger issue besides the “when” aspect of it all.

i am deeply afraid of motherhood. crippling, anxiety-inducing, fear. since i was a teen, i doubted whether i would have children. i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to medically and since then i’ve convinced myself it wasn’t in the picture. but now as people all around me are getting pregnant and having babies, i struggle to find excitement and joy for them. i don’t get it. honestly, i feel incapable of conjuring those bubbly-baby-inducing feelings that many people get when pregnancies are announced.  and these feelings, or lack there of, produces the worst shame. how could i, a woman, not want children or feel any sentiment toward someone else’s excitement. i feel as if its unspeakable most times, so i keep hidden deep down.

i fear everything about motherhood: the pain of pregnancy, of labor, the mental and physical toll it takes taking care of a newborn, raising a child, teaching them right from wrong, raising them to be everything that i am not- that i cannot be. i worry about the unknowns and how unpredictable it is. i am afraid that i will not be the mother i want to be: available, understanding, encouraging and their best friend all while balancing a career. i fear that all the work i’ve put forth the past years will be deemed useless by society if i chose to stay at home . maybe its pride, or selfishness, that i am not willing to give up my own comfort and human goals for a child. maybe it is the fear of repeating negative patterns that I’ve experienced in my life. whatever it is, i hate it, and yet, i cling onto it.

i know these fears are irrational, but aren’t most?  they are very present and overwhelming; fears that i think about daily as i see ultrasound pictures, newborns and precious children grow up. i want to desire kids, truly. i know women around me of all ages whose greatest joy is to be a mother. how do i experience that? how do i get to that level of womanhood? yet here i am, eager for a career. thats what i look forward to: to graduate school, to research, to changing policies and contributing something great to society. i don’t preface my career goals with “my ultimate job is being a wife and mother;” instead, i  struggle to see myself as a mother and add it in just to reassure myself.

i, a young woman with aspirations and goals, do not need to be thinking about a child. right? am i expected to have kids soon because i am getting married young? should i be ready to have kids because of my impending marriage? i don’t know the answer to these things. but honestly, i don’t believe its something i need to worry about. i am young. josh is young; we, are young. my parents had children (me) at a young age. it was unexpected for them, and never did i doubt their love for me, but i did experience first hand the folly of the combination of a young marriage of twenty-somethings.

one day, our children will come, just like my love for them. i am sure of it. but right now, i am not going to worry about motherhood. it is not my time yet. that phase of my life will come eventually, but not soon. so for now, I’m going to keep studying and preparing for the next season of my life. one that i am grateful and excited for: marriage.

and thank you, mom, for showing me that womanhood is much more than motherhood. i am forever grateful for you.

 

a spoonful of [pudding] will make the medicine go down

sometimes, i love being sick. the kind of sick where a day in bed eating soups and drinking milkshakes and water will make you feel better. whenever i’m sick, i am reminded of how caring the people around me are. they always show up ready to keep me company, knowing that i get lonely easily and often bringing gifts of food. but its more than that- its loving on the people you call your family, the people that have seen you at your weakest physically and emotionally and help strengthen you so that you can do the same for them.

one of the books i’m reading this summer is What is a Family? by Edith Schaeffer; its an incredible book by a wise woman who has deep insight into the depths of what a family is and the relationships that are formed within the dynamics of a family. my grandmother gave me this book to read so that I may be prepared for my own family one day, but even though thats years away, I am already able to incorporate some of the lessons into my life now. i recently finished the chapter “A Shelter in the Time of Storm,” which focuses on sickness, death, and caring for others in their struggles. last week i saw this chapter lived out through one of my grandmothers and a friend. 

both of my grandmothers have taken such excellent care of me when i am ill. ive grown up with two very dear and loving sets of grandparents in my life and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i had a rough start to the day; i woke up dizzy and in pain, but i had to be somewhere early in the morning and it was too late to cancel. after i came back home i quickly went upstairs unable to articulate how i felt. my grandmother immediately came to my room and asked me what i needed, however she ended up knowing what i needed better than i did. five minutes later i had a bowl of soft pudding. within the hour, she brought up a small vase of flowers from her garden to “brighten up my room.” it was lovely and heartfelt and did exactly what she intended it to do. throughout the day she checked up on me, made sure i had food to eat, water, ice chips, and whatever else i might need to feel better.

later that afternoon, molly came with hot tea and made my sick day more enjoyable. she made me laugh until it hurt and her joy filled up my room and day. we talked for hours, discussed wedding plans and watched friends. she wasn’t afraid to get sick- she stuck by my side, ate part of my chocolate milkshake, and let me put an english bulldog cookie jar on her wedding registry. it’s easy to get lonely and discouraged when you’re sick; but today that wasn’t possible. a friend who will come to you, sit beside your bed and stroke your head while you fall asleep is a friend that is family.

i have a big family- from the family that i was born into and the friends that have become family. my family is now scattered along the southern east coast, making that time we spend together more precious. this summer i’ve learned how important it is to take care of each other. family challenges one another, pulls us up when we’ve fallen, loves when we are unlovable, and grants us more patience and kindness than we deserve.

thanks family, for taking care of me when i’m sick

pride comes before the fall.

oh, what a week it has been.

as i sit here waiting for slumber to come upon me i can only think about all that has happened in the past few days. there has been some mighty highs, and some devastating lows; but when its all combined, it really has been a wonderful revelation of how i am never able to predict what is going to happen in my life.

for the past couple of months i’ve expected to attend ncsu next fall. i was ecstatic; it seemed perfect and nothing could change my mind. until i got into unc, and everything i thought that i wanted changed. but the biggest change? my heart; once i got over the initial shock of what occurred, i began to care and to think about what this could possibly mean. unc means more opportunities and the ability to study something that will challenge me and force me to push myself harder than i ever imagined. it means that no matter how beautifully i envision my life, it will never be as grand or surprising as god will make it. it also means that i’ll live so close to durham, which is easily my favorite city and the home to some of my favorite people. i’m beyond excited to start this new chapter in my life and see where it takes me and enjoy the ability to explore many new things. most of all though, i’m excited to find out the many unexpected changes that will happen. but through it all i will gladly welcome them as they come.

my devastating low? the crash and burn of my pride. it was necessary and incredibly painful. there were many tears as the bitterness in my heart welled up and overflowed into the words i spoke and used against others that i cared for. there were tears when i felt that i was being wronged. simply put: i was a crying disaster of a nineteen year old. its an understatement to say that i’ve never been a fan of being humbled, and thats exactly what happened. and honestly? i hated every second of it. i had to learn how to stop my prideful heart from clouding the situation and convincing myself that i was the victim. it took a long time, days, in fact, before i was able to see what i had done clearly and apologize. the apology wasn’t easy, especially since i knew it could be the end of something that i once held so precious to me. the process of being humbled is never without pain. it required so much more evaluation of my prideful heart and a willingness to admit that i was wrong. frankly,  i’m still not sure what the end product of all of this is. my heart is still struggling with bitterness as i grapple with the reality of my pride. i needed this though. i needed a reminder that i am not always right in my ways and that i do not hold the answers to life in my small hands.

perhaps thats what all this is for. i’m not supposed to have all the answers to the many questions i face. it has been difficult trying to find the balance between holding plans loosely while also making them. i’m nowhere near perfecting this concept, but i’m a step closer than i was a few days ago and thats all the encouragement i need. because after all, i am still a little girl, trying (and failing) to be an adult. but thankfully, there is time for that.

and hopefully, ill be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour instead of this miserable two thirty am nonsense. deal?

p.s. go heels!